Funny Quotes

In every pain there is tremendous opportunity for overwhelming
gain! Use it to your advantage!
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Kent Nelson

" To err is human, to forgive divine."
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Alexander Pope

" Make your own destiny, Don't wait for it to come to you,
Life is not a rehearsal!"
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Source Unknown

" Life is like a piano --- what you get out of it,
Depends on how you play it."
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Source Unknown

" To accomplish great things we must not only act, but also dream.
Not only plan, but also believe."
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Anatole France

" Never let yesterday's disappointments overshadow tomorrow's
dreams."
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Source Unknown

" No matter what a man's past may have been, his future is
spotless."
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John R. Rice

" Wheresoever you go, go with all your heart."
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Confucius

" A person's face may change over a lifetime,
But their heart can stay true forever."
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Source Unknown

" If you think positive, you can move a mountain in no time."
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Source Unknown

" No love, no friendship
Can cross the path of our destiny
Without leaving some mark on it forever."
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Francois Mauriac

"My wife said to me, "I want to be cremated." I said,
"How about Tuesday?"
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Buddy Hackett

Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it
doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day.
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Mickey Rooney

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for
marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
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Rita Rudner

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with
friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the
other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
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Anonymous

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
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Rodney Dangerfield

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat
in Europe.
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Jackie Mason

Marriage can be viewed as the waiting room for death.
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Mike Myers

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
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Michel de Montaigne


After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin;
they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
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Hemant Joshi

Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring,
and suffering.
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Anonymous

Women are like Elephants. I like to watch them, but I wouldn't want to
own one.
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W.C. Fields

Guys are like dogs. They keep coming back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at
a cat one time...they're gone.
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Lenny Bruce

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to
'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
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Rodney Dangerfield

I chased a girl for two years only to discover that her tastes were
exactly like mine: We were both crazy about girls.
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Groucho Marx

At 38 years, I finally got me the woman that said those six words I
wanted all my life to hear: 'My dad owns a liquor store.'
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Mark Klein


Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup
truck, and end up with a station wagon.
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Tim Allen

Why would I make one woman so miserable when I can make so many
women very happy?
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Benny Hill


I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said,
'Thyroid problem?'
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Emo Philips

My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.
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Les Dawson

A girl phoned me the other day and said ... Come on over, there's
nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.
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Rodney Dangerfield